2005-05-05 - Spring Orgo Night
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite eminent domain, it's the most greedy, overcrowded, and expansionist band in the world, the Columbia University Marching We Demand Lebensraum!!
[Fanfare]
featuring:
J. Britney Spears Knocked up
J. Tent City Knocked down
and
J. John Paul II Knockin on Heaven’s Door
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi-centennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. As well as campus protests going up like 1968, grad student benefits going down like a grad student’s job prospects, and the rest of the student body not really giving an inflatable rat’s ass, the band now presents its 41st consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Who Owns New York]
Recently, it seems that Columbia is reliving the late 1920s, with a tent city rising over College Walk and a picket line right outside the gates. Throw in the socialists, EC turning into a regular speakeasy, and a couple of loosely moraled flappers from Barnard and you’ve got a regular John Steinbeck novel going. It’s all been too much for Lee “Hoover” Bollinger, who has retreated into hiding, and can’t get those union-busting ROTC recruits here fast enough. In the meantime, he’s stuck with a campus in disarray, a giant inflatable rat looming over his legacy like so many wooden cakes. Embattled University president aside though, the band was happy to see our oppressed grad students taking it to the streets and marching inside their 20 by 5 foot box of justice this month. The post-masters proletariat, still hurting from the last strike’s total lack of relevance, promised this year to be EXTRA committed to the struggle of the working class, with some vowing not to take any breaks at the snack cart until they had done their part to shatter the chains of the university’s economic persecution, which, thanks to the cramped nature of the box of justice, worked out to about three picket laps a day. The strike also brought the grad students’ best friends in the whole world, the United Auto Workers, who returned to campus after receiving complaints from their members that they just couldn’t sleep at night knowing that somewhere in the country, a grad student was receiving a marginally inadequate stipend. The GSEU couldn’t quite scrounge up the money to pay the UAW for their time here, what with being oppressed and all, but they did offer up the only thing they could: sweet, sweet knowledge. The auto workers returned to Detroit eager to use their newfound book smarts: production of the Ford Foucault and Mercury Montaigne will commence next year. In honor of union busting, the band now plays He’s a Pinball Wizard, but Still Only Gets Paid 19 Grand a Year
[Pin Wiz]
President Bush has been hard at work these first months of his second term, parachuting into Afghanistan to personally execute terrorist ringleaders before jetting back to Washington to create a utopian free market economic system while simultaneously giving ever female reporter on Air Force One a mind blowing orgasm using only telekinesis. Well, actually, that’s a bit of a stretch. It seems that once January rolled around, Bush suddenly realized that he didn’t have to run for reelection ever again. “Well that’s it for me fuckers,” he reportedly told his cabinet a few days into term two. “Who wants to go for a spin in the helicopter?” The president has reserved his time only for rich contributors and brain-dead women from Florida, since the Republican party has a vested interest in keeping brain dead people alive. So with Bush in the I’m-going-to-build-a-fort-with-the-oval-office-couches stage of his presidency, the media have been forced to look elsewhere for big stories. One new darling of international news has been Pope Benedict XVI, who has wowed Catholics and laity worldwide with the pious act of not actually being a Nazi. The new pope did raise a few eyebrows when he called for a “blitzkrieg on homosexuality,” but everyone was getting ready for the next papal funeral and just pretended not to notice. In honor of lame ducks, the band now forms Cardinal Ratzinger and plays “this love of being the pope for the last few months of my life.”
[This Love]
And speaking of leaders with low approval ratings, our very own Lee C. looks to be in a spot of trouble these days. Long gone are the days when our heroic president would set off to Washington DC to defend the rights of the downtrodden in front of the Supreme Court, and then return to campus to roaring ovation. Now Bollinger just hides out in his Low Library lair, sending campus-wide emails no one bothers to read and trying to figure out why the First Amendment grants free speech to people who are so much dumber than he is. But for someone who acts like he knows so much about freedom of the press, Lee sure can’t figure out what a media strategy is. There’ve been more negative articles about Columbia in the New York papers this year than there have been in the past decade, an era that includes George Rupp’s “sloppy,” phase. But like any president with waning support, Lee will be looking for a grand struggle to unite his subjects behind him. “This underdeveloped land poses a real threat to Columbia,” Bollinger recently said on a trip to Manhattanville. “Trust me, we’ll be greeted as liberators.” In honor of local imperialism, the band now plays “I want to fuck West Harlem like an animal”
[Closer]
But for all of Lee’s blinding arrogance, you can give him one thing: he isn’t as fucking stupid as Larry Summers. Lee knows you’re supposed to keep your biases on the inside, and let your lawyers and provosts do the actual oppressing of the weak and stupid. But not Larry. If he thinks women are inferior to men, then goddammit he’s going to say so. Larry’s suspicion of women in the laboratory goes back to his days as a Harvard undergrad, when he poked his head into a science class and was shocked to find Radcliff women learning something besides their submissive role of housewife. A hopefully Larry wondered aloud if these fetching young lasses were perhaps researching a perfected sandwich delivery system, or perhaps a mega-blowjob of some kind. Larry could take a lesson from strong, beautiful, independent women at Barnard, whose scientific discoveries have been servicing man since 1889. In February, Barnard opened a new $2.6 million chemistry lab boasting more space for faculty and student research, as well as for larger classes. Provost Elizabeth Boylan bragged about the new facility, saying, “Now we will have another magnificent laboratory where organic chemistry students can continue the fight against stubborn laundry stains, harsh dishwashing detergent, and non-delicious dinners." In honor of women grabbing the test tubes, the band now plays “More than a feeling of male superiority”
[Feeling, More than a]
Well, the student council elections are over, and the person who isn’t Wayne Ting won. Again. Ting was reported to have called former mentor John Kerry after his loss, who told a dejected Ting, “Shit, you ran for the same job and lost twice? Jesus, even Gore wasn’t dumb enough to pull that crap. Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife’s commands aren’t going to obey themselves.” Now we’re sure Wayne’s a little down in the dumps for his recent loss, but chin up buddy, you’re at Columbia! We have a whole culture of losing here! Just think of the history you’re a part of now—Ray Tellier, Armond Hill, Traci Waites, the list goes on and on. You could be the biggest loser this school has ever known, and here at Columbia, that ain’t half bad. In honor of your best not being good enough, the band now forms the student council vote count and plays 25 or 6 to 4.
[25 or 6]
While the band extends its deepest sympathies to Wayne for not being the most popular student on campus for two years running, the real loser in this election was our esteemed daily newspaper and crossword puzzle companion, the Spectator. The Spec made a series of embarrassing errors in the election cycle, falsely reporting that Michelle Oh was the first female council president, falsely reporting that Wayne Ting had won the election, and falsely reporting that Wayne Ting would do a good job if elected. And if there were any lingering questions about journalistic integrity, the Spec was able to neatly remove them with the “Varsity Spectator,” a full color, broadsheet blowjob to the real cool kids on campus. The band, eager to take advantage of shoddy ethics and always willing to buy some positive coverage, contacted the Spec to get them to write a newspaper about us. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a wait list, but you all can look forward several to eye grabbing “newsvertisements.” The MEALAC department has ordered up The Columbia Daily No Seriously, We Love the Jews! There’s The Columbia Daily Here’s Why We Should Take Over West Harlem, paid for by the University’s public relations office, and finally, The Columbia Daily I Don’t Care If You Voted Against Me Twice Just Please For the Love of God Be My Friend, published by an anonymous Columbia student. In honor of sinking below the level of the New York Post, the band now forms the Columbia Spectator, and plays “I Heard It Through the Anonymous Source Inside My Head”
[Grapevine]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
When you expose aluminum to absolute zero, it becomes a superconductor, but as you've seen tonight, when you expose our drum major to Absolute Vodka, he becomes a super conductor.
A free radical is a molecule or atom which contains an unpaired electron, giving it an unusual charge. Socialist radicals don’t find it unusual that they charge a dollar for their Marxist newspapers.
When introduced into an aqueous solution, a micelle (pronounced ‘my-cell’) forms a hydrophobic ball. When introduced to an alcoholic solution, girls named Michelle lose their phobia of your balls.
And finally, An SN2 reaction involves a backside attack, simultaneously making and breaking bonds. An S&M attack on your backside which involves simultaneous bondage happens every year at the Fed Bash.
Thanks a lot folks! Don’t break any bookcases on the way out!
[Raw]